Growing with your children

Each child is born with her or his own unique, intrinsic quality and characteristics which sets her or him apart from the siblings.

The first job of a parent is to recognise this and to respect and celebrate the distinctiveness of each child. The failure to acknowledge and accept this would be to fail our children in a way. Having raised two daughters, we have first-hand experience of this. After settling daughter No. 1 in college we thought we were ready to handle daughter No. 2. Were we wrong! No. 2 came with her own set of rules: very few of the older rules applied and we had to re-learn the whole process again, custom-designed according to the needs of the time!

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Life teaches us in many ways and on many levels where age alone does not necessarily mean wisdom as is commonly claimed. Wisdom comes with age, maturity, perception, knowledge, and reflection on different realities.

A wise parent plays many roles and must be willing to wear many hats. When the children are very young, parents are the guides, the teachers, and the mentors. At this stage the children see the world as we present it to them and they accept the values that we imbue in them. Their minds are like sponges and absorb whatever is given to them.

But this phase changes as soon as the children are also busy with their own process of growth while interacting with external forces and dealing with peer pressure. As they get older the process of sifting, questioning, judging, and re-evaluating begins.

The challenge now is whether we want to be stuck in time or move on with the flow of life on an uncharted journey with our children.

This journey means adapting to changes, understanding a different reality, and trying also to see the world through the eyes of our children. It means expanding our perspective of life and yet maintaining a balance between the old and the new, discarding some old ideas while re-strengthening others where necessary.

Life goes on. Rules change. Situations change. Mind-sets change. There can be no progress without change: That's the ultimate reality. Keeping the core values intact, there should be room to explore, to grow, to reinvent, and to discover.

Children will want to spread their wings in their quest for adventure and knowledge, and for the realization of their selves and this must be encouraged. As Kahlil Gibran said, "You are the bows from which your children are sent forth." We as parents "must relinquish [our] children to the fortunes of life with gladness, for life smiles on those that are flexible, flexibility being a form of stability."

For parents the act of relinquishing is not easy, for it needs self-analysis, retrospection, belief in one's self and one's children, and a willingness to forego the ego!

Speaking from personal experience and having raised daughters abroad, we have had to re-learn many things and see them in a renewed way. It was a constant challenge and we had to be vigilant, aware, be in their faces, out of their faces, in their world, out of their world, and inform and educate ourselves all the time. Coming from our culture into a new one, trying to hold on to our heritage, and at the same time helping our daughters to be well adjusted in their society without losing their identity, demanded constant evaluating and reassessing of our beliefs and ideas, and again, learning and growing with them. Changing contexts also demanded some changes in our own beliefs and assumptions: This is true of any place any time.

When parents take the effort to see the world through the eyes of their children, it is with renewed vigor that children will accept the norms set by their parents and respect the parameters set for them.

This learning process never ends. The perceptive parent realizes that the core values remain the same, but how you apply it and how you interpret it may differ according to the personalities of each child. As parents, it has been an exciting, challenging, adventurous, and a joyous experience for us. It has been a reawakening with each child as life evolved from different perspectives. Our two daughters have broadened our horizons for us as we hope we have broadened theirs. In spite of all the hair-tearing, heart-wrenching, soul-searching, and agonizing moments that have also been part of the process, it has all been worthwhile, especially now, when they are grown up and look at us with twinkle in their eyes, a hint of laughter, and a tacit approval in their voices to say, "Hey Ammu, Abbu, you did have a point!" or "Yes, you were right!" This can really happen if you play your cards right and learn to grow with your children!

Shahnaz Yasin Andaleeb writes from Erie, Pennsylvania, USA.