The vanishing fatherhood

While watching the rerun of his movies, former US President Ronald Reagan once said that every time he looked at the young him on the screen, he thought of a son he never had. Every man yearns to be reproduced in the progeny, to sire children who will be as good as him, if not even better than him. In that sense, every father takes a chance when a child is conceived. He is the venture capitalist of biological reproduction.

Is that enough reason to celebrate a special day for the father? Well, it makes commercial sense to celebrate any day so long as it sells flowers, cakes, gifts and cards while restaurants get busy with eager families who gather to treat their fathers. For that matter there are Mother's Day, Valentines Day, Independence Day, and many other days to celebrate people and events.

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But what does Father's Day signify except for the role of a man who holds the seed and then works hard to raise his crop (family). In many families, mothers also work to put food on the table. That leaves the singular role of biological reproduction which is embedded in the father's sexual formation as a man. A father is a man who does what is characteristic of his male virility. What is his credit in this? Why does it need special recognition? Fatherhood is as natural as motherhood, an urge that works like gravitation, pulling men to copulate and preserve what they procreate. Some men take the vow of celibacy, never get married. These men never become fathers. Exception proves the rule.

Why celebrate what is so common? Most sons grow up to become fathers, pushing the supply stream of fathers through eternity. It is a fact of life, a dominant notch on the generation scale. But then it needs a stroke of luck in many instances. There are illegitimate and posthumous children who never see their fathers. There are fathers who never see their children. Some fathers rear their children knowingly or unknowingly from a distance through friends, relatives or orphanages. We come across such fathers in stories and movies, if not in real life as often.

There are sayings about fathers and children. Like father like son. Chip off the old block. The acorn does not fall far from the tree. Father and children are bound in DNAs, their physical appearance, mental formation, attitudes and behaviours having many similarities. But then there can be striking dissimilarities as well. Good fathers can have bad children. Bad fathers can have good children. There is a game of chance in every filial experience.

It is this game of chance which is celebrated and commended on Father's Day. At least that was the idea when Mrs. John B Dodd first introduced the idea in Washington, US. She wanted to honour her father William Smart, a Civil War veteran, who raised his six children after his wife died. She wanted to recognize the strength and selflessness of her father in raising his children as a single parent, showing that fatherhood was more than giving birth to children.

The first Father's Day was observed on June 19, 1910. In 1924 President Calvin Coolidge supported the idea of a national Father's Day. President Lyndon Johnson signed a presidential proclamation in 1966 making the third Sunday of June as Father's Day. Since then, Father's Day has become a day to not only honour the father, but all men who act as a father figure. Stepfathers, uncles, grandfathers and adult male friends are all honored on Father's Day.

In the manner of a river drying up as it moves further away from its source, Father's Day has lost its way over the years while its spirit faded into commercial interests. It is more ritual than devotion, more fun than faith. Somehow the significance of the day has been usurped by business instincts more than anything else. The father is now more ceremonial than role model. Often a miserable failure in supporting his family. Often unscrupulous with questionable integrity. The beacon-light figure of wisdom, knowledge, experience, tolerance, patience, courage, character and honesty is sorely missing.

Which accounts for the contradiction that is so annoying. People who have more money, have more interest in Father's Day as their children tend to better appreciate their fathers for giving them comfort and affluence. The fathers who struggle hard to raise their families with meager and honest income, have neither the means nor the end to seek recognition. Perhaps children can never appreciate enough how much their fathers sacrifice for their success.

A Beijing-based recruitment company Zhi Lian conducted a survey about what motivates fathers most at their workplaces in China. Surprisingly, rather than fame, status or materials, over 80 percent of fathers interviewed say that children are the greatest strength that motivate them to work hard. It shows that father and children are close under the more traditional family setting.

The question we needed to ask last Sunday is what was happening to the fathers of today? Ambitious fathers want ambitious children. Some fathers are desperate to leave lots of money for their children. But somewhere the relationship between them is strained. Fathers are looming large as providers and procreators, but shrinking as role models. In so much as fatherhood is growing in impulses, it is vanishing as an institution.

Prove me wrong, as my father would say.

Mohammad Badrul Ahsan is a banker.