How to be a successful politician in Bangladesh

To be in the game of politics in this country, you should continually talk about democracy, and then consciously and diligently work against all norms of democracy every step of the way. You must be ready to own a Mitsubishi Pajero or Nissan Patrol at any cost. You must have a wardrobe consisting of an number of outfits befitting each social occasion from attending funerals up to attending official and ceremonial meetings with foreign dignitaries, high-profile seminars and workshops, and so on and so forth.

There is more. Make promises, which you know you can never fulfill. You must have up your sleeve all kinds of ready speeches befitting any occasion and on any subject, no matter what. Even if you make or say something that is irrelevant, the way to come out of the jam is to look happy and smiling, after all none of your colleagues or any one amongst the crowd will ever question your wisdom!

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Whether in opposition or a member of the ruling party, you must have your own group of musclemen. As you move around you must be accompanied by a valet-cum handyman at all times, capable of keeping people who you dislike -- or who you owe money or favours to or who are seeking favors from you -- away from you. He is your confidante, ready to do anything and everything for you whenever called upon at any hour of day and night. You must be ready to switch sides depending on which side has the most potential of being in the seat of power.

Who knows it is the right path for being a part of the political hierarchy in Bangladesh. After all, while your regular monthly remuneration may be a meager sum, you can still live a life of luxury and affluence. Make use of office and home telephones any way you like. After all, you do not have to pay the bill.

If you are one of the lawmakers of the party in power or contemplating to contest the forthcoming elections you should be visiting your constituency every now and then in order "to be in touch with the people." During the Ramadan and the Eid season make sure you are there with a bundle of lungis and saris and distribute amongst the poor, particularly those who are your prospective supporters.

Well, you should also have a good relationship with the police and intelligence agencies so that your otherwise questionable deeds cannot be questioned. You must be an individual of supreme self-confidence. Whether or not you have it in you, you must be an intellectual, a legal expert, and a man of extraordinary courage.

The essence of politics is being in the seat of power at any cost, no matter what. If not, at least be ready to be a constant menace to the society with a high degree of nuisance value. You will be then in a seat of power of another kind where resources of all kinds will be bestowed upon you from all corners.

I just remembered -- to succeed in politics Bangladesh-style you should also have some unspecified dubious relationship with members of the diplomatic corps of some consequence.

A prospective front-line politician in the country must also be ready to build a mosque in his or her constituency, preferably with the motive of keeping the illiterate section of the vote bank well disposed towards you. Every effort must also be made to set up a school or a college commemorating the name of your father or mother.

No matter what, your prime concern should be to make money and money only. The way to do it is lobbying with concerned agencies and ministries for various infrastructure development projects like road construction, building bridges and culverts etc. After all, that is where big money lies and has the maximum scope of manipulations.

You should be prepared to build arches and raise festoons often blocking the smooth passage of traffic, and drag innocent school children out in the scorching rays of the sun or in rains to welcome the visiting dignitary. Let a few people be atop a truck with all kinds of drums and horns beating and blowing them hard heralding the arrival of the VIP.

You must also be a fear factor, rightly or wrongly, amongst your target group, and have an image that says it all: you, and you alone, have the solution to all their problems.

It is also a part of the ongoing culture of successful politicians in Bangladesh that he or she must also be ready to sign and counter-sign any and all kinds of certificates and documents, and for that matter must always carry with him a set of rubber stamps of different sizes and designs representing the corresponding importance of each of the certificates signed and counter-signed.

You must also concentrate on consolidating your power base by inducting yourself into the board of directors of any of the prospective banks in the private sector, better still if you can build some industry or business enterprise which is exclusively by you and for you.

But a new dimension has been added to all this: completely sideline and ignore the people -- let them go to hell. The attitude one has to build and tune himself or herself to is, as the couplets of a popular Bengali folk song puts it most befittingly: "Lauer Aga Khailam, doga Khailam, dugdugi Bajailam."

Long live Abhaga Desh! I wonder how Nawab Sirajuddowla was able to predict so far into our future! Frankly, politics in Bangladesh is the oldest profession.

The author is a freelance contributor to The Daily Star.