Hail to the high performing ministries

There are more stories of performance in this country to write home about. With the season of storms approaching, the minister in charge of the Ministry of Sinking is getting busy after months of non-activity. It is known that excitements begin when sinking starts every alternate day on the river routes because that means a lot of work. With the first hint of dark clouds in the horizon, everyone in the ministry start to have their best attires ironed and shoes shined. Why, you ask me? Of course, for the TV camera? Amazing stuff that. Once sinking of ships and passenger vessels starts on a regular basis life gets hectic for the minister, his PRO, PS, APS, secretary, joint secretary, additional secretary, deputy secretary, senior assistant secretary, junior assistant secretary, and peons and chaprasis of the Ministry of Sinking. As reporters rush with TV cameras to the scene of a sinking, the PRO hangs around the minister ready with the lines the minister will have to say before the camera. He has to look good and smart on television (election is approaching fast). You see, it is not that he gets the chance to come before the camera that often. It is like, no new sinking, no appearance on TV. On camera he usually warns the passenger vessel owners of dire consequences for not listening to his instructions. But, as the minister in charge of the Ministry of Sinking will huff and puff in public, his PRO will know what to tell the owners of the vessels in private. This has been going on for the last five years and people simply love him for that.

The Ministry of Grounded Aircraft is happy to have something to do at last. As long as the entire fleet was flying from Toronto to Timbuktu the ministry people had no work. Once grounding of the planes began they woke up from their slumber and started preparing tender documents. They need to give the contract to some engineering firm that can convert the big passenger airplanes into passenger buses to run on inter-city routes. Not a bad idea really. Imagine carrying three hundred plus passengers by road to make up for the loss the airline sector incurred in last thirty years. This decision to convert planes into buses will go into the Guinness Book of World Records.

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Then there is the new additionthe Ministry of Letter Writing. This particular ministry is awfully busy these days. Senior officials are working round the clock. They are preparing drafts of letters for the opposition and carrying those personally to the right persons. But it is proving to be a hazardous task as the letters have the habit of coming back with many queries. The moment a letter returns with queries the research wing of the ministry along with the intelligence officials sit down with the minister to draft yet another reply. This again has to be vetted by many 'brothers' sitting at various addresses before placing before the high command. It is reported that the minister has requested the establishment for more officers skilled in letter writing. The letters are about the intended dialogue between the government and the opposition. But, to me, it appears that these men will have no energy left once the letter writing exercise will be over.

Another ministry that is working round the clock is the Ministry for Escalating Prices. From the secretary down to the peon everyone is visiting the kitchen markets from dawn to dusk to find out if price of any particular commodity has gone down. As soon as they identify one such commodity they immediately prepare files to get the minister's approval for escalating the price. They have no fear in doing that since none other than the prime minister has declared that despite price escalation people are happy. Bingo! That's exactly what the traders and importers and hoarders and smugglers wanted to hear. As long as the high command will not confess that people are having navisshash (last throes), they will go on amassing wealth. Election time is here boys! The more the merrier!

Perhaps the most interesting ministry is the one called the Ministry of Deserting and Amorous Athletes. This ministry sends men and women clad in national blazer to various foreign countries apparently to take part in sporting events. They are sent abroad allegedly to make the country proud by winning medals. But once these men and women land in the foreign countries some of them desert the camp not to return ever. Couple of months ago one of them walked away and did not return. Most of these runaway sportsmen and sportswomen of the country join the sporting events even though they do not qualify. Does not matter. They have an influential uncle or brother or brother-in-law in the right place. Then there are many sports 'personalities' who are known to be the amorous kind who get involved in necking and pecking with the members of the opposite gender from the home country or that of the host country. Some months back it happened inside the country. And recently during the Common Wealth Games in Australia one of our shooters came wee bit too close of a local damsel in a sauna bath and scared the life out of her. As the guy did not know where to keep his arms he had put them around the girl. This guy did not shoot straight to win medals in the tough competition, not even a bronze, but he surely got the name of the country on the pages of the local newspapers. The ministry people are proud of him. He is their blue-eyed baby. They argue, if Shane Warne can do it and if David Beckham can do it, why can't our very own shooter do it too? Well, I guess the police in Australia lack humor. They took the shooter to the court and the team manager had to troubleshoot for him. The shooter shot to fame not by shooting the target in the competition but by doing something else. The minister in charge of the Ministry of Deserting and Amorous Athletes was not available to answer why more of such persons are not selected and sent abroad.

But the most important ministry is the Ministry of Dillying and Dallying. This ministry has successfully held things back to earn the praise of the political analysts all over the world. No matter whether it is about sentencing dangerous criminals or granting bails to opposition activists or separating different branches of the government from one another, this ministry has performed excellently to 'fool all the people for all the time'. I have been told that some rogue governments in some foreign countries are going to invite the mighty minister to deliver lectures at breakfast meetings. They apparently are interested to have some tips from him. This no doubt is a matter of national pride.

Shahnoor Wahid is a Senior Assistant Editor of The Daily Star.