Is nonchalance the death of emotional intelligence?

The greatest irony of wanting to be nonchalant is that it requires effort to appear emotionally detached when, in reality, you are simply not programmed to be so. Social currency builds on mystery points, dimly lit, low-exposure photos, and a studied, carefully maintained performance of caring just enough but never too much. The contradiction is that a nonchalant person cares quite deeply about what others think, so much so that their energy is entirely spent on drowning out their last semblance of depth and substance.

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Being nice is underrated

There is a whole unspoken playbook, and most of us have it memorised – whether we like to admit it out loud or not. You wait just long enough before replying to a text you’ve been waiting all day for, as if it's social humiliation to see a message too soon, be too eager. Do you not have anything better to do? Either way, the other person needs to know that you have quite a lot to be busy with. You describe the film that made you cry like a baby as "decent”, and you talk down on dumb sitcoms that you’ve definitely watched every season of. You make sure not to enter any event too soon, or leave too late – an eagerness to be social might be detrimental to your social life. We have gamified human connection to a point where indifference is the epitome of emotional intelligence.

Caring is the simplest thing to mock; the easiest target is someone who cares too much. And caring too much is subjective; when nonchalance is the status quo, the safest version of yourself is the one where you flatten yourself out.

It is exhausting work, and the worst part is that we receive nothing at all from it. Nobody wants to say anything of substance when you are so reluctant to express a desire to hear it. And so, we develop an entire vocabulary of diluted feelings, and suddenly, wanting things loudly is cringe. I understand the logic. Caring is vulnerability, the chance that you might look foolish. And yes, you open yourself up to being judged, belittled, or mocked. But is it not much more pitiful to swallow all your thoughts and not be known at all?

The cost of seeming mysterious is that it does not truly protect you from much. You still think and feel everything that matters to you, but are backed into a box that forces you to do it quietly because you refused to acknowledge anything in the first place.

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In our algorithm-centric lives, we must extend our empathy

What is truly pathetic is that nobody actually wants to be around a nonchalant person. You do not care for a person because of their nonchalance, and you will not remember them for it. Everyone you love brings substance to your life; they are all brimming with emotions and opinions, they are moved by things dear to them, and thus ask about things dear to you. Nonchalance produces people who are simply agreeable and easy to spend time with, but impossible to miss.

So, here is my extremely chalant suggestion: care about things, deeply and fully. Put your ego aside and reach out to the friend you keep missing, be excited, talk about what you love, and be harder to forget. Passion is not embarrassing. Nonchalance, on closer inspection, is.

Faiza is overcompensating for her approaching quarterlife crisis - reach her at faiza.atcorp@gmail.com.